No young man believes he shall ever die. It was a saying of my brother's and a fine one. There is a feeling of Eternity in youth which makes us amends for everything. To be young is to be as one of the Immortals. One half of time indeed is spent -- the other half remains in store for us will all its countless treasures, for there is no line drawn, and we see no limit to our hopes and wishes. We make the coming age our own --
"The vast, the unbounded prospect lies before us."
Death, old age, are words without a meaning, a dream, a fiction, with which we have nothing to do. Others may have undergone, or may still undergo them -- we "bear a charmed life," which laughs to scorn all such idle fancies. As, in setting out on a delightful journey, we strain our eager sight forward,
"Bidding the lovely scenes at distance hail,"
and see no end to prospect after prospect, new objects presenting themselves
as we advance, so in the outset of life we see no end to our desires nor to
the opportunities of gratifying them. We have as yet found no obstacle, no
disposition to flag, and it seems that we can go on so for ever. We look round
in a new world, full of life and motion, and ceaseless progress, and feel in
ourselves all the vigour and spirit to keep pace with it, and do not foresee
from any present signs how we shall be left behind in the race, decline into
old age, and drop into the grave. It is the simplicity and, as it were, abstractedness
of our feelings in youth that (so to speak) identifies us with Nature and (our
experience being weak and our passions strong) makes us fancy ourselves immortal
like it. Our short-lived connexion with being, we fondly flatter ourselves,
is an indissoluble and lasting union. As infants smile and sleep, we are rocked
in the cradle of our desires, and hushed into fancied security by the roar
of the universe around us -- we quaff the cup of life with eager thirst without
draining it, and joy and hope seem ever mantling to the brain -- objects press
around us, filing the mind with their magnitude and with the throng of desires
that wait upon them so that there is no room for the thoughts of death. We
are too much dazzled by the gorgeousness and novelty of the bright waking dream
about us to discern the dim shadow lingering for us in the distance. Nor would
the hold that life has taken of us permit us to detach our thoughts that way,
even if we could. We are too much absorbed in present objects and pursuits.
While the spirit of youth remains unimpaired, ere "the wine of life is
drunk," we are like people intoxicated or in a fever, who are hurried
away by the violence of their own sensations: it is only as present objects
begin to pall upon the senses, as we have been disappointed in our favourite
pursuits, cut off from our closest ties that we by degrees become weaned from
the world, that passion loosens its hold upon futurity, and that we begin to
contemplate as in a glass darkly the possibility of parting with it for good.
Till then, the example of others has no effect upon us. Casualties we avoid;
the slow approaches of age we play at hide and seek with. Like the foolish
fat scullion in Sterne, who hears that Master Bobby is dead, our only reflection
is, "So am not I!" The idea of death, instead of staggering our confidence,
only seems to strengthen and enhance our sense of the possession and enjoyment
of life. Others may fall around us like leaves, or be mowed down by the scythe
of Time like grass: these are but metaphors to the unreflecting, buoyant ears
and overweening presumption of youth. It is not till we see the flowers of
Love, Hope and Joy withering around us, that we give up the flattering delusions
that before led us on, and that the emptiness and dreariness of the prospect
before us reconciles us hypothetically to the silence of the grave.
Life is indeed a strange gift, and its privileges are most mysterious. No wonder when it is first granted to us, that our gratitude, our admiration, and our delight should prevent us from reflecting on our own nothingness, or from thinking it will ever be recalled. Our first and strongest impressions are borrowed from the mighty scene that is opened to us, and we unconsciously transfer its durability as well as its splendour to ourselves. So newly found, we cannot think of parting with it yet, or at least put off that consideration sine die. Like a rustic at a fair, we are full of amazement and rapture, and have no thought of going home, or that it will soon be night. We know our existence only by ourselves, and confound our knowledge with the objects of it. We and Nature are therefore one. Otherwise the illusion, the "feast of reason and the flow of soul," to which we are invited, is a mockery and a cruel insult. We do not go from a play till the last act is ended, and the lights are about to be extinguished. But the fairy face of Nature still shines on: shall we be called away before the curtain falls, or ere we have scarce had a glimpse of what is going on? Like children, our step-mother Nature holds us up to see the raree-show of the universe, and then, as if we were a burden to her to support, lets us fall down again. Yet what brave sublunary things does not this pageant present, like a ball or fete of the universe!
To see the golden sun, the azure sky, the outstretched ocean; to walk upon the green earth, and be lord of a thousand creatures; to look down yawning precipices or over distant sunny vales; to see the world spread out under one's feet on a map; to bring the stars near; to view the smallest insects through a microscope; to read history, and consider the revolutions of empire and the successions of generations; to hear the glory of Tyre, of Sidon, of Bablyon, and of Susa, and to say all these were before me and are now nothing; to say I exist in such a point of time, and in such a point of space; to be a spectator and a part of its ever-moving scene; to witness the change of seasons, of spring and autumn, of winter and summer; and to feel hot and cold, pleasure and pain, beauty and deformity, right and wrong; to be sensible to the accidents of Nature; to consider the mighty world of eye and ear; to listen to the stock-dove's notes amid the forest deep; to journey over moor and mountain; to hear the midnight sainted choir; to visit lighted halls, or the cathedral's gloom, or sit in crowded theatres and see life itself mocked; to study the works of art and refine the sense of beauty to agony; to worship fame, and to dream of immortality; to look upon the Vatican, and to read Shakespear; to gather up the wisdom of the ancients, and to pry into the future; to listen to the trump of war, and the shout of victory; to question history as to the movements of the human heart; to seek for truth; to plead the cause of humanity; to overlook the world as if time and Nature poured their treasures at our feet -- to be and to do all this and then in a moment to be as nothing -- to have it all snatched from us as by a juggler's trick, or a phantasmagoria! There is something in this transition from all to nothing that shocks us and damps the enthusiasm of youth new flushed with hope and pleasure and we cast the comfortless thought as far from us as we can. In the first enjoyment of the estate of life we discard the fear of debts and duns, and never think of that final payment of our great debt to Nature. Art we know is long; life, we flatter ourselves, should be so too. We see no end of the difficulties and delays we have to encounter: perfection is slow of attainment, and we must have time to accomplish it in. The fame of the great names we look up to is immortal: and shall not we who contemplate it imbibe a portion of the ethereal fire, the divina particula aura, which nothing can extinguish? A wrinkle in Rembrandt or in Nature takes whole days to resolve itself into its component parts, its softenings and its sharpnesses; we refine upon our perfections, and unfold the intricacies of Nature. What a prospect for the future! What a task have we not begun! And shall we be arrested in the middle of it? We do not count our time thus employed lost, or our pains thrown away; we do not flag or grow tired, but gain new vigour at our endless task. Shall Time, then, grudge us to finish what we have begun, and have formed a compact with Nature to do? Why not fill up the blank that is left us in this manner? I have looked for hours at a Rembrandt without being conscious of the flight of time, but with ever new wonder and delight, have thought that not only my own but another existence I could pass in the same manner. This rarefied, refined existence seemed to have no end, nor stint, no principle of decay in it. The print would remain long after I who looked on it had become the prey of worms. The thing seems in itself out of all reason: health, strength, appetite are opposed to the idea of death, and we are not ready to credit it till we have found our illusions vanished, and our hopes grown cold. Objects in youth, from novelty, etc., are stamped upon the brain with such force and integrity that one thinks nothing can remove or obliterate them. They are riveted there, and appear to us as an element of our nature. It must be mere violence that destroys them, not a natural decay. In the very strength of this persuasion we seem to enjoy an age by anticipation. We melt down years into a single moment of intense sympathy, and by anticipating the fruits defy the ravages of time. If, then, a single moment of our lives is worth years, shall we set any limits to its total value and extent? Again, does it not happen that so secure do we think ourselves of an indefinite period of existence, that at times, when left to ourselves, and impatient of novelty, we feel annoyed at what seems to us the slow and creeping progress of time, and argue that if it always moves at this tedious snail's pace it will never come to an end? How ready are we to sacrifice any space of time which separates us from a favourite object, little thinking that before long we shall find it move too fast.
For my part, I started in life with the French Revolution, and I have lived, alas! To see the end of it. But I did not foresee this result. My sun arose with the first dawn of liberty and I did not think how soon both must set. The new impulse to ardour given to men's minds imparted a congenial warmth and glow to mine; we were strong to run a race together, and I little dreamed that long before mine was set, the sun of liberty would turn to blood, or set once more in the night of despotism. Since then I confess, I have no longer felt myself young, for with that my hopes fell.
I have since turned my thoughts to gathering up some of the fragments of my
early recollections, and putting them into a form to which I might occasionally
revert. The future was barred to my progress, and I turned for consolation
and encouragement to the past. It is thus that, while we find our personal
and substantial identity vanishing for us, we strive to gain a reflected and
vicarious one in our thoughts: we do not like to perish wholly, and wish to
bequeath our names, at least, to posterity. As long as we can make our cherished
thoughts and nearest interests live in the minds of others, we do not appear
to have retired altogether from the stage. We still occupy the breasts of others,
and exert an influence on power over them, and it is only our bodies that are
reduced to dust and powder. Our favourite speculations still find encouragement,
and we make as great a figure in the eye of the world, or perhaps a greater
than in our lifetime. The demands of our self-love are thus satisfied, and
these are the most imperious and unremitting. Besides, if by our intellectual
superiority we survive ourselves in this world, by our virtues and faith we
may attain an interest in another, and a higher state of being, and may thus
be recipients at the same time of men and of angels.
"E'en from the tomb of the voice of Nature cries,
E'en in our ashes live their wonted fires."
As we grow old, our sense of the value of time becomes vivid. Nothing else, indeed, seems of any consequence. We can never cease wondering that that which has ever been should cease to be. We find many things remain the same; why then should there be change in us. This adds a convulsive grasp of whatever is, a sense of fallacious hollowness in all we see. Instead of the full pulpy feeling of youth tasting existence and every object in it, all is flat and vapid -- a whited sepulchre, fair without but full of ravening and all uncleanness within. The world is a witch that puts us off with false shows and appearances. The simplicity of youth, the confiding expectation, the boundless raptures, are gone: we only think of getting out of it as well as we can, and without any great mischance or annoyance. The flush of illusion, even the complacent retrospect of past joys and hopes, is over: if we can slip out of life without indignity, and escape with little bodily infirmity, and frame our minds in the calm and respectable composure of still-life before we return to absolute nothingness, it is as much as we can expect. We do not die wholly at our deaths: we have mouldered away gradually long before. Faculty after faculty, interest after interest, attachment after attachment disappear: we are torn from ourselves while living, year after year sees us no longer the same, and death only consigns the last fragment of what we were to the grave. That we should wear out by slow stages, and dwindle at last into nothing, is not wonderful, when even in our prime our strongest impressions leave little trace but for the moment and we are the creatures of petty circumstance. How little effect is made on us in our best days by the books we have read, the scenes we have witnessed, the sensations we have gone though! Think only of the feelings we experience in reading a fine romance (one of Sir Walter's, for instance); what beauty, what sublimity, what interest, what heart-rending emotions! You would suppose the feelings you then experience would last for ever, or subdue the mind to their own harmony and tone: while we are reading its seems as if nothing could ever put us out of our way, or trouble us: -- the first splash of mud that we get on entering the street, the first twopence we are cheated out of, the feeling vanishes clean out of our minds, and we become the prey of petty and annoying circumstance. The mind soars to the lofty: it is at home in the grovelling, the disagreeable and the little. And yet we wonder that age should be feeble and querulous, -- that the freshness of youth should fade away. Both worlds, would hardly satisfy the extravagance of our desires and of our presumption.